A few days after the retreat I felt inspired to watch an episode of The Chosen and reentered into the Season when Jesus had just started to begin healing miracles. I have had the great blessing to witness many miracles being a part of CLM as well as having been to Brazil. Most of my early life I had been a great lover of science and I also have a deep respect for the things that are beyond explanation. There is one scene when a woman brings her husband to Jesus to be healed and she says, “I know you can heal him.” And he says to her, “Your faith is beautiful.” There is something about that exchange that felt like her faith was essential in the healing of her husband. She didn’t believe that he would be healed… she knew. That is true faith.
Amongst the many other remarkable moments is this debate between Nicdoemus and Shmuel:
Nicodemus: “You would place limits on the Almighty?”
Shmuel: “None that are not written in law.”
Nicodemus: “And if God did something that you felt contradicted the Torah, would you tell him to get back in that box that you have carved for him or would you question your interpretation of the Torah?”
Shmuel: “When I was a student I knew all your sayings. I read every word you wrote. Your teaching were so sturdy, so reasoned and pure.”
Nicodemus: “We are still students, Shmuel. All of us. Our understanding will never be complete.”
Shmuel: “It frightens me that I can no longer predict your rulings.”
Nicodemus: “And fear alone ensures we remain ignorant, asleep in the safety of rigid tradition…. I do not want to live in some bleak past where God cannot do anything new, do you?”
Shmuel: “Why is that your concern? God gave us his law, we must uphold it!”
Nicodemus: “We can do both! Let’s look to the ancient roads where the good way is and walk in it, as Jeremiah said, and still keep our eyes open to the startling and unexpected. Can we agree on this?”
Rather than taking God out of a box that I had created, this is where I had to let another set of walls that I had created come down to receive more of the Spirit.
For our intention setting time at the start of our student meeting, I didn’t have an immediate clear word come to mind of exactly what I wanted. I could feel all of these superficial ideas surface, “Peace”, “Love”, “Stillness” etc, but not of them really really landed on my heart. I set those aside, continued to search my heart and I heard “ephphtha”, the Aramaic word for “Be Open”. This was the decree Jesus gave to the deaf and mute man who then became able to hear and speak again. For me, it felt like an invitation to Be Open to receiving what was meant for me and I had this sense that any of my own ideas would somehow prevent me from what was available.
Friday afternoon while sitting in meditation for some time, I hear “Come to the table.” That statement came with the energy of a very strong Presence – I couldn’t help but cry. I felt a mix of emotions and questioned what I was hearing. Inwardly I ask, “What?” I hear, “Come to the table I have prepared for you.” And then I hear it again. The energy is much stronger now I cannot help but to cry even more. I asked, “How do I do that?” And I hear, “You already know.” After a moment of contemplation I realized, it was my original intention for this retreat; “Ephphatha”. My heart joyfully says, “Yes, yes, I will come to the table.”
Later that day in the evening, Padre calls up “People who have had cancer or chemotherapy.” I ask my neighbor if I heard correctly “had”. And she said, “Yes! Yes! Go up there. Go up there.” She happened to know me and some of my story. I was hesitant. I didn’t want to hang on to the story of cancer because it felt pretty complete… like there was not anymore healing left as it was 14 years ago and I have since been clear. I got up a little bewildered and also remember the instructions to “Come to the Table.” So I did. I stood there not knowing what healing I was receiving and just remembering, “Be Open”. I don’t remember what Padre said, but when I was on the ground I felt like I was being swaddled in peace.
Let me back track a bit about the cancer in order to understand the significance of what happens next. I had a rare type of sarcoma growing in my abdominal wall on the right side that was discovered in 2009. The only treatment I opted for when I finally submitted to treatment was surgery. Wide margins needed to be taken because it had a 75% chance of recurrence. This means that extra muscle far past the tumor needed to be removed. I was told by the surgeon only the size of a CD amount of muscle would be removed. A few days after I awoke I found out the whole right side of my abdominal wall was removed from rib to pubic bone and midline to the side. All four layers of muscle were gone and I had a collagen prosthetic in its place holding my organs in. At the time, I was a massage therapist and yoga teacher. I was also the main income earner with a 2 year old and 7 year old prior to finding out about the cancer. So, this put everything to a complete halt. During the recovery process of regaining ease of mobility, I was told by someone at some point that I would need to watch the compensation patterns in my back because it could over time pull my spine out of alignment. I remember holding that thought very lightly because I didn’t want to feed into the reality and also at the same time maintaining awareness of how my muscles were compensating so as not to be completely blind to it. That Friday afternoon I did notice the left side of my back was sore and tired from having sat for a long period of time in meditation during the Thursday sessions. Along with that I have had hardly any sensation in that area of my skin. And in the last few months I had become more acutely aware that it felt “blank” in that area… an actually sensation of something being missing.
As I am swaddled in peace on the floor, I watched a grid of energy being laid into the area of my surgery. There had been a “hole” energetically there.. the place that felt empty and “blank”. I then hear, “You will not have to worry about the strength of your back.” Deep in my heart I really knew this to be true. I cried feeling so much gratitude and also feeling shocked. I can not explain it, I just felt the truth of it. Like the woman who brought her husband to be healed… she knew… and I knew.
When I got up to sit in my chair I hear, “You do not have to worry about anything. All of your needs and wants will be taken care of.” I also believed that to be true… in a conceptual way. This time it moved from concept to a soul knowing. I feel the truth of that deep deep in my heart and it opened up the doors to more tears.
For me, the table being prepared is our Divine Potential. When we come to the table prepared for us, set upon the path our Divine Potential intentionaly, our needs and wants will be taken care of… in the right timing. When we are open (ephphatha) with deep trust we allow the things we need into our life – we also become open to receiving what we didn’t even know we needed or could have asked for… like this healing with my abdomen. Now, I also know for that to be true I have to continue holding and walking down the path of this intention of my highest potential being expressed here every day, every moment.
For clarification, when I say needs and wants, it can bring up all these big ideas of manifesting … whether that is extravagant material things, perfect health, the partner who will love me, an innumerable list of things come to mind. I’ve recently been made aware of a difference between the desires of the small separate self and desires of the heart, those desires that are an emanation of our soul essence. In the Bible, it says God knows the desires of your heart… these are the needs and wants I am referring to. I’ve found that ego desires come from a place of separation from God / Source / Self.
My experience of my abdominal area has changed. What once felt like a blank space feels complete… there is a sensation of connection. The one thing that touched me the most and was completely unexpected is when I placed my had on my belly a few days after retreat… instead of feeling loss, I feel love. For me a reminder of Love being available to us at all times from the One from which ALL emanates.
Like Nicodemus, it is my heart’s desire to stay open to the startling and unexpected. Beyond what I received, the real miracle is the ALL that is possible expanded – again – for me that day… I feel I can touch the edges of imagining a truly Limitless Divine. I pray to have the same commitment as Nicodemus to questioning and being willing to let go of any boxes I try to put God into or have put myself into so I can remain open with a dynamic, fluid ever expanding understanding as a perpetual student of the Greatest of all Mysteries
It seems to be an invitation to allow God to work in our lives not just in the ways we want, think we want or think it should be but in the way the table has been prepared for us. For me it is also a reminder when we imagine what is possible for this world, not to confine it to what it has historically been but to also hold possibilities we have not yet even imagined… the Divine Potential for the planet and our global village. Even if it seems impossible, when it looks like all may be lost… let go of what we think it has to look like, please trust, hold the intention with God that something new can be built… and as our Divine Potential, may we all step into our roles in co-creating it.
To find out more about this healing retreat visit: www.celebratinglifeministries.com